This post is long overdue. I initially wanted to start a blog as therapy, to take out from my heart all the hurtful things I no longer have space for but didn’t want it to be a sad blog. Instead I started a blog inviting others to help me give orphaned children a happy time and encourage them to overcome their sadness through realizing how blessed we all are. But at some point, I need to share my story and what better time than today – so I can starting the New Year with a clean slate.
I was bullied growing up. Unfortunately my bully was my mother and my dad allowed it by not standing up for his kids. I don’t know how people are going to take this and I might upset a few family members but it’s true.
If you meet my mother she’s the sweetest most soft-spoken lady you may meet but she’s also the person in my life that’s said the meanest things to me. She not only said terrible things but she did not compensate for it by telling me she loved me and never said she was ever proud of me. Because of that, I long for a mother’s love till this day. I know times were different decades ago but words still hurt, no matter what era we live in.
I was such a shy but happy little girl. I was very artistic and creative but also very sensitive. My mother on the other hand had tough skin and worked really hard from a young age, perhaps the reason why she didn’t see that I was different than her. So when I didn’t do things the ways she thought correct she called me useless, inept, lazy and so many other things that I eventually believed them for most of my life.
I was her fat child. I couldn’t have been more than the third grade and remember coming back from school and she had pinned (with thumb tacks) one of my dresses to the wall. Confused for what I found in my bedroom I asked why my dress was pinned to the wall and she said so I could see how fat I was, so that I could see it on the width of the dress.
To make matters worse, I was trapped in the middle of my parent’s nasty divorce at age 12 and all the way until my early twenties she disliked my teeth, my weight, my style, my laugh, the way I cleaned, the way I cooked… there was never anything she liked of me and she made it very clear it the most hurtful ways and most of the time accompanied by physical punishment. There are so many stories and details I can share on how she was a bully but not neccessary. I just hate how once in a while these feelings resurface when I’m extremely stressed, exhausted or sad. I know I face a long life struggle to forget.
It’s been hard to forgive her because she doesn’t recognize or admit any of it. I have forgiven her but still cautious around her. I don’t understand how parents can inflict pain and use damaging words with their own child? After raising my nephew while my sister was deployed in Afghanistan and working with so many orphaned children , I experienced love for a child so I just can’t understand why my mom could be so hurtful with her words or why my dad didn’t stop it? All I ever wanted is for her to tell me that she loved me, care for me when I was sick, tell me that I was pretty, stand up for me, believe in me and be proud of having me as her daughter.
Today my mother and I have an amicable relationship although we don’t see or talk to each other often, but I know it’s for the best. Each time I’m with her I become that little girl. The difference now is that instead of being afraid I am irritable and easily get upset with her when she acts and tries to treat me like I’m that scared little girl again. I know she’s trying to change and she can be nice to me now but when she is, I don’t even know how to react. Talk about messed up emotions.
During the holidays I feel the loneliest and I rely on my extended family for support but unfortunately a few family members are not speaking to me and I don’t even know why. This means I will not be invited to join their families for the holidays, birthdays or any other celebrations. I tell myself that I’m an adult now and I can’t let this affect me, but I miss them so much… All I want is a family and I want to feel I belong somewhere.
Why am I willing to share something so personal? Why is this post worth my time? I don’t want to dwell about the past I just want to find a place where I can leave the sad memories but mainly to let parents know that their words to their kids is what shapes them, builds their self-confidence, allows them to dream, achieve their goals OR destroy them.
So parents and all adults, start the New Year committed to being kind to children, stand up for them, love them, encourage them and never talk down on them.
So before you speak, THINK!
Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?
Remember YOU are the adult, they are defenseless kids. They need you to be their heroes, to build them up, to shape them and EVERYTHING depends on how you treat them now. Words are very powerful so THINK before you speak! Let’s all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!